i regretted knowing you
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
gong gong, i love you
i cannot imagine going over for dinner and then realizing that the man i loved the most is not going to open the door at 8pm, carrying with him fatigue weighed down from work, his favorite loaf of bread and daily newspapers.
i cannot imagine not sitting beside him watching him eat and peeling prawns for him. i cannot imagine no matter how much money i save for the Australia trip, he's never going to fulfil his promise and come along.
i'm never going to hold snuffles the same way again.
i can almost still feel the warmth of his wrinkly hand that lingers on my palm. there are no words nor actions to describe how much i love him. now i can only put him in my heart, and wish my tears will stop flowing.
so hard to let him go.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
your hand that had no warmth
Change.
As i stoned in this lazy afternoon, listening to the bustle of life passing by, I stared into space and wondered: What the fuck am I going to do with my life.
I hate love, hate being subjugated by it and absolutely abhor my stupid heart for being so obstinate. I kept waiting for it, waiting for my heart to just finally give up and leave. Even when the knife was piercing right through it, the inundation of anguish wasn't even enough to go anywhere close to giving up.
Heart holds out its quivering hands, lapping up every tiny bit of affection he gingerly throws. It latches on to the memories I couldn't seem to erase and births an invulnerable hope that things will be fine again.
It refuses to accept change.
But change is happening all around me, my enervated heart couldn't cope, it shuts itself away from everything and everyone, preserving only the memories and living within the stills of affection it collected. My mind is alert, and worried about all the impending issues that I have yet to solve and attend to.
I need to stop. Need to move on. Need to accept change, and destroy the surrealism of the ephemeral joy my heart thinks is love. because its not.
I need something called Strength.
I hate love, hate being subjugated by it and absolutely abhor my stupid heart for being so obstinate. I kept waiting for it, waiting for my heart to just finally give up and leave. Even when the knife was piercing right through it, the inundation of anguish wasn't even enough to go anywhere close to giving up.
Heart holds out its quivering hands, lapping up every tiny bit of affection he gingerly throws. It latches on to the memories I couldn't seem to erase and births an invulnerable hope that things will be fine again.
It refuses to accept change.
But change is happening all around me, my enervated heart couldn't cope, it shuts itself away from everything and everyone, preserving only the memories and living within the stills of affection it collected. My mind is alert, and worried about all the impending issues that I have yet to solve and attend to.
I need to stop. Need to move on. Need to accept change, and destroy the surrealism of the ephemeral joy my heart thinks is love. because its not.
I need something called Strength.
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