Friday, January 06, 2012

cold shards of a heartbreak

They always say that once a mirror has been shattered, its impossible to fix it back, even with the finest craftsmen, it'll never be flawless again. Uneventful happenings shrouding my life are like parasites, feeding on my sorrow, one after another, like a plague which I have no cure to.

The break-up left me barely alive, cleaning what's left of my broken heart. My stubborn nature and the adamant will to survive left me brushing my scraped knees, fighting to get up again. Then he came back like a silent sandstorm, but of course,,, never an inch of me has regretted his action. I missed him... beyond how words can describe.

Our fingers hungered for the affection that once kept us together, hearts outstretched with healing wings embracing every second of each other's presence. Tears that fell like rain.... That day, i realized i have never really moved on, all but a strong facade. Is this some form of black magic? The power that he wields over me? I wonder.

I expected things not to be the same again, his scent, the way he looks at me all seem like a passing dream now. What can i do to salvage something that's begging to be saved, yet bearing near zero possibility of hope? I did a stupid thing, the grown-ups call it "guilty pleasure that shouldn't be told" the fatal 3p. I don't deny, i didn't enjoy it. However, I neither detest nor feel upset by it. I don't know if it was a test by my really bitchy sub-concious mind, but... the results were just as I expected, even if I didn't want my prediction to come true.

The way he held her, I could almost feel the hunger he had buried inside. Jealousy wasn't the issue there. All i felt was... What he needs right now isn't me, just as i thought it was, (hopefully), but a companion. It can be anybody. Im neither special nor better in any way, just an ordinary girl hopelessly in love with a boy who loves her by breaking her heart. over and over, like a mindless replay.

I am such a masochist. And a traveller without a map. A difficult math test with no solutions. I need help. yet none can be given except from myself.

Fuck this shit. i wish love was just love.

Monday, November 28, 2011

she wouldn't post about love; not ever again.

i know i said it'd be my last post about him. yet all my flair for words struggled to stop, abandoning the wreck i am now. not a single word wanted to be told, not for anything but him. this boy, he's the sun of my planet that solely orbits. my words... they feared to be chosen to describe him for his beauty far surpassed what words could paint.

so tears broke free from the prison in my mind last night. how could they not? after so long, he finally spoke. monosyllabic words. was i wrong? to believe I was still existent in his mind, playing with his heart strings like how he does mine. What words are there to describe such a love?

Irony tore me apart. even if the sands of time could flow backwards, the decision i made perhaps could be delayed... but never avoided. I hate how I bestow him with such immense power over all entities of my life. How much I love him. All the fragments of our memories are scattered across all places, evoking chaos within my broken heart with every few steps I take. How possible is it to heal when he was what kept me alive?\

I am such a monster. but he, is epiphany of love.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

all these fucked up assignments

HELP ME!!! im drowning in my assignments. its taking me forever to finish writing Sweet Cyanide, my next erotic essay! its so short only. I havent even reach 20% what the fuck :(
but this essay is a little morbid. i've been watching too much gore and rape and all.

What is the world coming to! nooooo